A Truly Beautiful Girl

You've always been a girl,
whether we've talked in days,
weeks, months
whom I have always considered
to be one of my most cherished friends
Since I first knew you when we were still drinking from sippy cups
and watching Sesame Street
through the awkward, chocolate-filled innocence that was adolescence,
until now, sixteen years later when things are much more complicated.
You've always had an encouraging word.

The thing I admire most about you now, however
is the complete lack of fear you show
when you say the words "I'm in love".
I'm so happy for the two of you. I can't express it.
The love I see in your eyes is the most genuine thing I've seen in a long time.
And the way he talks about you, I just know that his eyes are shining the same light.

It's such a rare thing these days,
to see young people happily, unabashedly in love.
That's the most beautiful thing on this planet to me right now.
Your love gives me hope.

So, anyway, I thought you should know
Just being your beautiful self is enough to make a difference.

Queer

Before I knew I was queer,
I knew it was okay to be queer.
I used my Bible, and my prayer, and my logic,
and I knew that a queer relationship, done right, could be just as Godly as a straight one.
I told my Bible-scholarly friends about this idea I had,
and they told me I was wrong,
but I still told my queer friends
it was okay,
that God and I found no fault in their affections.

When I found out I was queer, I didn't tell anyone for three years.
I was not ashamed.
I just knew they wouldn't understand.

I came out, and got shit for it.
Lots and lots
and lots of shit.
Not just in the form of hate speech,
though that cut it's icy way through my veins,
but in the form of the ones I really love and respect
"Not knowing how to feel about it"

"Not knowing how to feel"
If I had a penny for every time I heard that
I could pay off congress and have gay marriage legal in every state.
For years, people can't decide how they feel.
I'll tell them.
They feel disturbed by the fact that a God-loving
people-serving
Bible-caressing girl
can be queer.
They don't like it,
because now they have to think about it critically,
because now it's not some heathen they don't know,
or even a non-Christian, misguided friend who they love anyway but don't love their choices
who's in the wrong.
Its me.

I had a girlfriend.
It was an awesome time.
It's the only relationship I've had yet
that never made me hate myself at some point.

Now I am getting so much suspicion
and people I love think I'm a sinner.
That's okay,
It's possible I am sinning.
I know I'm a sinner.
So are they.
So is everyone.

Now I am ashamed.
Ashamed of what I don't know is a sin or not.

A sin is turning your back on God.
It's doing something bad for you
because your eyes aren't on him
His Holy Spirit watches it
and you feel guilty and wrong
and you apologize and come back into the light
and it feels awesome.

My girlfriend and I went to church.
I prayed with her and for her.
We conducted ourselves in our relationship the way God commands in every aspect.
Lovingly, respectfully.

I never felt that what I was doing was wrong.

Now, with all of the pain I've endured at the hands of others
Suffering because I'm queer
I wonder if I'm being punished.

Am I so wicked that I have no conscience?

Ahh...

Any time 50 miles per hour on the highway feels like you're crawling,
Stop.
Get a cup of coffee.
Sit on the sidewalk.
Watch people move quickly.
Count how many are looking at their watches.
Be glad you're holding still.
Breathe.
Sip.
Melt.

Bubble Bath

Greyish water
full of my filth
The hot water used to soothe
now I feel like a potato in a soup
Bubbles used to be fun for play
but I just don't feel like it today
It smells nice, I suppose
if anyone will actually smell me anytime soon.

Yeah.

You fly
and fall
and fly
and fall
and fly again
and say "Oh, God, why am I up so high again?"
but then you look down
and see how beautiful the world looks from up there
and you just know.

Shelter Dog

I walk past
you look at me
with such fear in your eyes
but also
as though you hope I will come in and hug you.

I grab a biscut from the pail
enter your chain-link pen
and you back into the furthest corner
with your tail between your legs
growling.

I see in your eyes
the pain
and can only wonder
what your old masters have done to you.
What have you endured?

I hold the biscuit out,
talking to you in a sweet, calm voice
and still you growl.

I set the biscuit down and back away.
Slowly, you come up and take it.

I get another.
Hold it out.
You come close to it,
but then back away at the last moment.

I give up.
I set the biscuit down,
and walk out of the pen.

As I turn to leave
your eyes say
that you and I both know I won't be coming back,
and that look is so familiar...

Going too far in a good direction.

As a raging feminist, I appreciate the direction our society is going with its encouragement of women who put themselves in the workplace and universities. Where 60 years ago, women were expected to marry, have kids, and keep houses, and have that be their lives, now women are encouraged to go to college, find a career they love, and live their lives that way. This is a good thing.

Recently, however, I've noticed that with our encouragement of women to be anything they want, we are now heavily placing importance on all women having a career.

What does the concept of "be something" mean to today's society anyway? When we ask children "What do you want to be when you grow up?" the expected response is "a fireman", "an astronaut", or "a doctor", or even sometimes something like "a biologist", or "a CEO". Regardless of the actual response, the point is that it is, with few exceptions, an occupation. It saddens me that what someone will "be" solely depends on what that peson will do for a living. I believe that it is this way because of humanity's fascination with money. "What will you be?" translates to "How will you live?", and we all accept that living means having plenty of money. Forget smelling, breathing, laughing, loving, and caring, the question of what someone does can be, nay, is expected to be, summed up completely by how they make money.

When I "grow up" (yeah, like I'll ever actually grow up) I want to be a friend, a life-enhancer, a lover, a music-maker, a Christ-server, a dreamer, and an intellectual. As my boyfriend, Chris, said once, "I want to be me, but better."

Don't get me wrong. I'm in college. I study music and writing and hope to someday be a composer, elementary music teacher, poet, or editor. I have pipe dreams as well, such as owning a coffee shop or being a youth pastor or worship leader. I am working hard towards having a career. If I honestly admit it to myself, however, what I really want in life more than anything else is to be a mom. I want to have children to love, to teach, and to learn from, and I want a loving husband with whom I can share my whole life. That is what I want. That is what I dream of at night. I should be encouraged to follow my dreams, right?

I'm not saying that this is what women should want. I know many who are career-based women and are very successful and happy. I believe that women should be free to be whatever they want, but that's just it: I think they should be WHATEVER they want, even if what they want to be isn't an occupation.

The media these days depicts housewives, generally, as either pleasant, smiley, wait-on-my-husband-hand-and-foot, and ultimately bland women in dresses, or sad, repressed, bored, lonely women with a lot of lost dreams. In reality, that isn't the case. I know several stay-at-home moms that are very happy and fulfilled, and all-around deep-thinking, hard-working (because seriously, since when is keeping a home and raising children NOT hard work?), and awesome individuals.

A great deal of people, however, don't understand this. If I mention my desire to marry and have children, most people will immediately jump to telling me why I should be focusing on my future career and not studying child psychology in my free time. I'm not saying that my employment isn't an important objective, but why should it be my ONLY objective? Since when is finding love and creating a family not a life goal to be taken seriously? Why is there so much pressure for me to "make something of myself"before I can even think about doing what I really want to do? In society's movement to free women, it has trapped them.

I can't believe I'ts become nesecary to say this, but I think a woman (or man, for that matter) should have the right to be a homemaker if she so chooses withiout being looked down upon. To all of the stay-at-home moms out there, I admire you, for your hard work shaping the future of our planet (because that's what child-raising is) and for your wilingness to sacrifice respect as a sucessful human being for the sake of your family. Applause to you. Enjoy your lives. You are my heroes.

I just hope that as I get older my dreams will be taken more seriously.

Lonely Is So Lonely Alone

I hate it
when the one you want to be there
isn't, not because this person doesn't want to be,
but just because this person is completely understandably busy.

That way,
you have no reason to be upset
at this person for not being there
but the longing doesn't go away.

It's fine,
but still you wish your house wasn't so dark
and so empty
and
so
damn
quiet.

Perfection

Tumble through the grain
and brush new life with your toes
Some seeds can get stuck in your hair,
but sometimes that's just how it goes.

Walk into the river after
from toe to head get wetter
and after all that grass and dust
the world will all seem better.

Float on your back and look straight up
it's the purple sky that makes it so right
when you breathe the lilac and love the still
You'll realize the beauty of a lonely summer night.