Queer

Before I knew I was queer,
I knew it was okay to be queer.
I used my Bible, and my prayer, and my logic,
and I knew that a queer relationship, done right, could be just as Godly as a straight one.
I told my Bible-scholarly friends about this idea I had,
and they told me I was wrong,
but I still told my queer friends
it was okay,
that God and I found no fault in their affections.

When I found out I was queer, I didn't tell anyone for three years.
I was not ashamed.
I just knew they wouldn't understand.

I came out, and got shit for it.
Lots and lots
and lots of shit.
Not just in the form of hate speech,
though that cut it's icy way through my veins,
but in the form of the ones I really love and respect
"Not knowing how to feel about it"

"Not knowing how to feel"
If I had a penny for every time I heard that
I could pay off congress and have gay marriage legal in every state.
For years, people can't decide how they feel.
I'll tell them.
They feel disturbed by the fact that a God-loving
people-serving
Bible-caressing girl
can be queer.
They don't like it,
because now they have to think about it critically,
because now it's not some heathen they don't know,
or even a non-Christian, misguided friend who they love anyway but don't love their choices
who's in the wrong.
Its me.

I had a girlfriend.
It was an awesome time.
It's the only relationship I've had yet
that never made me hate myself at some point.

Now I am getting so much suspicion
and people I love think I'm a sinner.
That's okay,
It's possible I am sinning.
I know I'm a sinner.
So are they.
So is everyone.

Now I am ashamed.
Ashamed of what I don't know is a sin or not.

A sin is turning your back on God.
It's doing something bad for you
because your eyes aren't on him
His Holy Spirit watches it
and you feel guilty and wrong
and you apologize and come back into the light
and it feels awesome.

My girlfriend and I went to church.
I prayed with her and for her.
We conducted ourselves in our relationship the way God commands in every aspect.
Lovingly, respectfully.

I never felt that what I was doing was wrong.

Now, with all of the pain I've endured at the hands of others
Suffering because I'm queer
I wonder if I'm being punished.

Am I so wicked that I have no conscience?