Nostalgia

So, I just moved apartments, and in the process inevitably got distracted by all the random crapola I have around. However, I found this essay that I wrote my sophomore year in high school (four years ago) and thought it was worth sharing. Enjoy!

How to Spot a Musical Freak

They walk the hallways just like normal high school students. They are everywhere. They could be in the locker next to yours, sitting at your lunch table, even in your science class. Slowly, the students of West Albany High School are being converted into musical freaks! Luckily, there are ways to tell who the musical freaks are and who are the normal students. Read on to discover how to diagnose a victim of this terrible obsession.
If you suspect that your friend may be a musical freak, the first step would be to check their iPod. A normal high school student would have things like Fall Out Boy, Gretchen Wilson, or the infamous Queen, but look further. If you see things like Wicked, Rent, or South Pacific, there is a pretty good chance that your friend is experimenting in the musical freak territory.
The next step is to look at their schedule. Classes like choir, band, and drama are definite giveaways. Also watch which teachers they talk to in the hallways. If your friend is participating in the musical freakery, they are most likely very familiar with the infamous trio that leads the insanity: Cate Cafferella, Stuart Welch, and Cameron McFee.
If no signs are found in the iPod or schedule, you can also check for physical signs. The most obvious is the eyes. Look under the bottom eyelashes. Musical freaks are always staying up late learning lines and practicing music, or out late at rehearsals, so chances are you will find heavy bags under the eyes. Also check the feet. A musical freak will never have pretty feet. Look for blisters, bunions, and, if you're really brave, massage the feet. If the person exclaims, "Don't stop! My feet are killing me!", this person has most likely been spending a good amount of time practicing dance steps. Also, be on the lookout for sudden changes in appearance that may be required by a musical. A random shaved head, a sudden break out from night after night of heavy makeup, unannounced shaving of sideburns that he was very fond of, or an unbecoming new hair color after she claimed she would never dye it. Musical freaks are known to make drastic appearance sacrifices for their shows.
Eben more prominent than the physical signs are the behavior signs. Follow the suspected musical freak very closely in the hallway and listen. If you hear them humming "I Can Hear the Bells" or muttering a conversation between multiple personalities, they've probably overdosed on a certain musical obsession and now have it engrained into their brain. This phenomenon is known to some as having it "stuck in their head."
Also watch their reactions. Tell them some extremely insignificant "bad news" and see how they respond. Perhaps tell them that you ran out of brownie mix. A normal person would say something along the lines of, "Oh, sad", while a musical freak will shout in an especially dramatic manner, "Oh no! How can I possibly go on without brownies!" and possibly collapse to the floor in agony. Also, count how many times a day the person hugs you. If this number exceeds four, I can personally guarantee that you are in the presence of a very extreme musical freak.
Dealing with a friend-turned-musical-freak can be too much for a teenager to deal with. The MFHL (musical freak help line) always has professionals standing by. If you or someone you love is being converted into a musical freak, don't hesitate to call 1-800-MY-FRIENDS-A-MUSICAL-FREAK-AND-NOW-IM-CALLING-THIS-EXTREMELY-LONG-NUMBER-FOR-HELP.
You too can join the resistance to end this unnatural obsession with cheesy musicals. We can stop this spread of hysteria before it becomes a national pandemic. Don't hesitate or make fun; this is serious business. Unless you want to live your tomorrows randomly bursting into "Can't Help Lovin' 'Dat Man", we need to take every precaution available. Fight back or you too could be turned into a full-on musical freak. God bless you all.