Giving

I'm always going to give change to homeless people when I have it. I see people turn others down when they ask for help, because they say they will only give food, but not money, so that drugs aren't purchased. I don't care. Most of these people don't actually go get food for the people they decline. They give nothing. I don't know if I've ever helped somebody buy drugs or not, but at least I've done something nice for someone.

A Few From My Morning Walks

Being Naked.
Desiring vulnerability, to be attractive,
Enjoying an acceptable form of intimacy,
Being open to how I really feel,
Worried about my female self to be unacceptable,
Lacking ability to conform to social norm.
Taking the Bus.
Experiencing, undertaking relationships with a group of people,
Taking a certain direction, in company of others,
Trying to get somewhere but feeling so dependent,
Possibly concerned about weight.

                ......................                    


As the animal rages inside,
wanting to tear flesh and feast,
the words "I love you", sincerely, softly spoken
calm the silent beast.

               .....................                


Like an orchestra tuning up,
the dissonance turns into perfect unison,
when I focus on you, Lord,
my life's director.
You put my melodies to the light
and let me know when they're just right.
You let me see through the good and bad,
Lord, you're my shit detector.

                 .........................                    


It's been two months since it ended,
and you've been a mess ever since,
and you're sick of feeling like you do.
All I can say is that this will pass, and that I'm praying for you.
As for me, I'm sick of being scared shitless of ending up feeling that way too,
because I'm told things,
that I'm truly cared for,
that those I need will be there for me,
and all I can say is I hope that's true.

Forced Rhyme Expiriment

The shit that life throws at you tells you when to take a shower,
and I get cleaner by the hour.
I walk into the maelstrom, and I do not cower,
though it's much like baking without any flour.
When I end up captured at the top of the tower,
the love potions they feed me continue to sour.
The devil, without human beings, has no power.

The Christian Case for Gay: A Scholarly Approach

              Words that we say can hurt, and we may never know. These words hurt even more when they stem from generalizations and misinformation. When someone is hiding a part of themselves for fear of your judgment, and you make a comment against people like him/her, it creates fear and rejection in that person's heart. This is what it is like to be a Christian who also happens to identify as gay. In this paper, I will be addressing some Biblical texts that are used as ammunition against homosexuality, and pointing out ways in which the hetero-centric system of the church does more harm than good. Through this examination of facts and reason, I hope to show how non-heterosexual individuals should be able to be open and out within their church families without fear of oppression or rebuke.

First off, I'd like to take a moment to explain the problem with the common Christian how-to-deal-with-homosexuality mantra, “Love the sinner; hate the sin.” Sin is defined in the Bible as something that draws us away from God. Many non-heterosexuals would tell you that their love relationships are built on trust and working together, which can bring them closer to God. Of course, there are non-heterosexuals who have less positive relationships, just as there are heterosexuals whose relationships fall away from God's plan of compassion, intimacy, and purity. Many people see examples of non-heterosexual people portrayed as people with their lives riddled with sin, due to conservative media coverage and television portrayal. Judging homosexuality based on this limited information is akin to judging heterosexuality based on the movie, "The Hangover". 

            Also, a person's sexuality is much more than simply who they prefer to mate with. As Suzanne Pharr put it, “"Hetero-sexist people often assert that homosexuals have the choice of not being homosexual; that is, we don't have to act out our sexual identity. In that case, I want to hear heterosexuals talk about their willingness not to act out their sexual identity, including not just sexual activity but heterosexual social interconnections and heterosexual privilege. It is a question of wholeness. It is very difficult for one to be denied the life of a sexual being, whether expressed in sex or physical affection, and to feel complete, whole. For our loving relationships with humans feed the life of the spirit and enable us to overcome our basic isolation and to be interconnected with humankind." Being non-heterosexual isn't a string of non-related “slip-ups”. Non-heterosexual thought is not akin to wanting a cookie on occasion even though you're on a diet. Sexual identity is a quintessential part of personality. How can a Christian, a believer of Hebrew's “agape”, or unconditional love, say “I love you, but I hate a big part of who you are.”

There are many texts in the Bible which, when taken out of context, can be used to condemn non-heterosexuality. The following are some of the most commonly used. First off, there is Leviticus 18:22 "If a man lies with mankind, as with womankind, it is unnatural." It sounds fairly straightforward, however the Hebrew word translated in most editions of the Bible as “unnatural” is the word “to'ebah”. In some editions, it is also translated as “an abomination”. This word is, however, used in many other passages to mean contextually “against common practice” (Robinson). It is used as such in Genesis 43:32 "...because the Egyptians could not eat food with the Hebrews, for that is unnatural to the Egyptians." Here the word is referring to the fact that it is against Egyptian ritual law, not necessarily that it is despicable. The word is also found describing shellfish, (Leviticus 11:10) and women wearing men's clothing. (Deuteronomy 22:5)

What then, does this verse really mean? Well, if you look at the culture of the time, women were ranked much lower than men, hence the clarification of “as with womankind”. Women were arranged into marriages, often with men much older than them, with little to no say in the matter, making sex often an act of control and humiliation. No wonder then, to treat a man in such way, would be considered “to'ebah”. It would be challenging the established roles of gender within society. In this case, gay sex is just as “unnatural” as Hillary Clinton running for president.

                   Another common reference is found in Genesis 19, in the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. In this story, God sends angels down to see if there is righteousness in these towns. Lot and his wife (whose name isn't mentioned by the author of Genesis) receive them with great hospitality, but the men of the town come to them, commanding them to bring the strangers out so that they may (assuming forcibly) have sex with them. God then condemns the area and destroys everyone in it. In Hebrew tradition of the time, hospitality was essential. There were no Holiday Inns for travelers. If nobody was hospitable to travelers, they would have nowhere to stay and, most likely, nothing to eat. The wicked people of Sodom and Gomorrah not only were attempting to take the angels from the hospitality of Lot and his wife, thereby rejecting them from town and comfort, they also meant to use sex to humiliate them further. Comparing a loving gay relationship to this story is like comparing it to the sex crimes of U.S. Soldiers against Iraqi prisoners of war. Were these soldiers just lustful men with unusual taste out for some thrills? No. The intent of rape and humiliation is here, and it is completely incomparable to consensual gay relationships.

                 Probably the most commonly used passage, however, is Romans 1:27, where Paul addresses the sins practiced by the Christians in Rome. "In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." To analyze this verse, you have to know the context, in which Paul also describes Christians as worshiping idols the way the Pagan Romans were. In Roman society of the time, it was customary for men in positions of power to assert themselves by sexually penetrating people of lower status. These people were women, slaves, and teenage boys. Once again, for a Christian man in this society to commit an act toward another man that was known to be so degrading, it would be considered a sin against this man. I also think it is worth noting that the verse states that these men “were inflamed with lust” and “committed indecent acts”, and not “fell into compassionate love” and “formed committed relationships out of mutual respect.” By Biblical morality, lust is always a sinful attitude, whether homosexual in nature or otherwise. The undignified, lustful committing of "indecent acts" is very seldom comparable to non-heterosexual relationships in the present day United States.

                 This topic is one that is highly controversial in our faith, and I understand that it takes a radical change of perspective to accept things traditionally known as taboo. However, if Christians look past stereotypes and really study the Bible the way they should, by going beyond reading passages out of context and by researching the culture in which they were written, they will see the need to reconcile our community of believers with a community often rejected from us, and to promote peace and acceptance of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. I will close with a verse which I believe to be the most relevant, 1 Peter 4:8 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

I'm Getting Married in 25 Days!

Writing my own vows is one of the trickiest things I've ever tried to do. How does one write down what one swears to be to another when one changes constantly? As a second approach, how do I describe a love that I'm giving the man I've chosen to marry? It was my idea, and now I'm stuck.

Everything else I've been doing for the wedding has been just a lot of foot and hand work. Purchasing, picking, crafting, in other words busy, busy fun! This takes work though. It seems it's easy, when spending so much thought on a wedding, to forget the fact that there will also be a MARRIAGE taking place, and that, at the end of the eventful day, I will be a wife.

I will be the one he comes to first with all of his life decisions. The one he comes home to every day, on good days and bad ones. I'll be the one he talks to when deciding what to have for dinner. If I don't like a food, he'll probably not eat it anymore. I'll be the one he introduces to his co-workers as a permanent part of him. Eventually, God willing, I'll be trying to agree on a parenting style with him.

I'll be the one who gets all of his love, his thoughts, his partnership. We'll be best friends forever. I'll always get to hold his hand. I'll never have a broken heart again.

How do I possibly write down how this will make me feel?

Why I Love Harry Potter So Much

Since 1999 when first I read "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone", my life has been a magical ride.

At that time, I lived in a world where adults and other children constantly told me I was strange. I was beaten up, called names, and thought that life would always mean pain. (In "The Tales of Beadle the Bard, Dumbledore says "To hurt is as human as to breathe.)

Eventually, I learned that I had something special. I could sing songs, write poems, paint, learn and teach. I could create magic. This magic grew as I aged, and became more than something I practiced; it became my means of combating a world full of darkness.

Because of this magic, I was able to reach out, and make friends. These friends saved my life many a time, helped me through school, made me laugh, and gave me a reason to get up in the morning after dreams that made me fear opening my eyes. They brought me to levels as a human being that I didn't believe possible.

I've had authority distrust me. I've been told to be silent when I tried to stand up for the truth. It hasn't stopped me yet.

I've had to make choices between what is right and what is easy.

I know what it means to have someone you love, someone who has taught you everything, someone who shaped you into who you are, someone who had the entirety of your trust, suddenly cease to exist, and to be left with infinite questions, disbelief, emptiness, and a searing pain that seems to have a life of it's own.

I also know what it means to let the souls of the fallen live on within you and the love that you can give. To press on, and to dedicate your spirit to the ones who mean the most to you.

I've found a place that has become home to me, where there is always help for those who need it.

It is true that my life will never be as full of epic adventure as the life of Harry. However, as I delve again and again into my well-loved copies of his books, I gain a hope for when my story is over, a hope that people will look through it and see someone who was given enormous adversities, but who overcame them and created a bright point of light in the universe; someone who lived for her friends, and who experienced all the magical possibilities of her world. I want to be remembered, ultimately, as a girl who lived.

Okay. So I already failed and skipped a day. I suppose everyone will have to get used to being dissappointed in life. Consider this a lesson. Yep, that was my intent all along. ...

Anger.
It's so damn ugly
and so debilitating.
I'd rather be depressed,
and that's saying something
considering.


Wow. Sorry, guys. I think that's all I've got today. Welcome back, writer's block! (And by welcome back, I do mean that I plan on kicking you in the teeth tomorrow.)

Once again, this is word vomit. I'll probably change subjects between spaces, as my mind is jumpy today.

Your argument that the world isn't fair will never change my argument that it should be.
People like you who are resigned not to work for fairness are the reason "It is what it is".

My passions run way to hot right now.
Everything I do, I care about intensely during these heightened times.
They are interspersed in my life, but they come,
times in which I feel ready constantly for jubilation, heartbreak
anger, creation.
Anything but complacency.
The stakes in even the most mundane conversations skyrocket.
My blood sublimates.

Identity is strange.
Like a monologue from Hamlet.
What forces cause us to be who we are,
or not to be?

What causes someone to be afraid of a second date,
after the first one goes really well?
I feel like I knew once,
but now fear seems incomprehensible to me,
in the face of possibility.
There's a chance in going for it, that the relationship won't work out perfectly.
If you don't go for it, however, it's guaranteed.

Okay, yeah. Scatterbrained.

Mental Ex-Lax

So, I'm going to divulge to you now the real reason why I haven't been posting. It's not that I've been busy. I mean, I have been busy, but that's not the reason. I've written through extreme business before. My reason: Writer's Block, for which there is no laxative. I've still been writing my poem a day, but they've been, at best, five lines of crap apiece. SO here, today, I'm ending this. This post I'm just taking and doing. Another reveal: I have no idea what I will write. The thing that's about to come out of my typing fingers will be as much of a surprise to me as it is to you. Here goes something.

It's amazingly complete.
That feeling
when you let yourself want for something.
Hope is inevitable.
You do your best and you get yourself just a little taste of it.
A taste of that which you are certain will magnify your happiness.
When it peaks at piquing you and your whole body aligns 
and your body and mind connect in almost unsettling ways,
and then, it creeps in.
The deal breaker.
Fear. Either yours or someone else's.
It slithers in and opens a crack too hard to notice
at first,
and then, while your occupied mind ruminates on further possibilities,
that on which you speculate erodes from that tiny crack
and is washed down the river.
The completeness is when you turn around, see the debris,
hear the utter tabula rasa,
and you know that you and your dreaming consciousness
will wander through many more of these valleys,
and that happiness and it's providers on whom you can rely
will be with you always anyway.

Wow. Moral of the story is: just do it. For this week, at least, I am challenging myself, as of right now, to post something every day. We'll see if any of it equates to this one, or if it's all utter crap, at least we'll all have a laugh.

Epoch Vector Variance

The time it takes to walk from downtown to campus is a rather flexible vector, if there is such a thing. For example, when I've been distracted by my favorite thrift store and the delightful elderly ladies within and consequently am late for a meeting with my academic adviser, the walk is excruciatingly lengthy. However, when I want to walk as a means of amusing myself until my fiancee gets off work so we can have a talk of a serious nature, I can't make it last very long at all. When I' m walking for the sake of pondering my musings over anonymous observations, it can take an entire day, and when I'm walking and talking with a good friend, well, that's when the real paradox occurs, for then, time ceases to exist.

A Recent Trend

Something I've noticed lately is that I definitely am glad to be making and keeping some really awesome female friends. I've been "one of the guys" for really as long as I can remember, and really enjoy that position. However, there are some things a women just can't do or say around guys that they really should do or say, and that's where women come in.

With that out there, I've noticed recently that women like to talk about their experiences a lot, and when two women share a similar experience and can talk about it freely with one another, they are almost instantly friends. When I can make a friend because of something that's happened to me, even if the event was pretty crappy at the time, it makes me infinitely grateful.

Thank you so much, all of the women who will put up with coffeeing with me, listening to me ramble, and sharing your stories with me. You are the ones who really help me learn, grow, and enjoy my life.

Sometimes...

Yes, sometimes our hearts ARE too big.

However, I think we'd take it over being hardened any day.

You and I,

we are queens of our own circumstance.

Still

My heart is as placid as the

lake, and a rowboat glides smoothly

over the stillness

whilst underneath life churns.

Things eat each other.

Dive bomb birds,

cast lines reel,

and memories swirl

but the rowboat continues

to the very center

unperturbed

and drops it's anchor

into the churning

homeostasis.

Kineticism

It's as though magnetism

is pulling me into every

possible corner of my existence,

but because equal and opposite

force is being exerted

from every direction,

I remain intact and still,

while highly energized

with potential.

Hope From Lilli

Beautiful Lilli bud,

frosted over before you could bloom,

tonight I sing for you,

flowering voices filling the room

and we grow because you made us want to,

what many of us needed

was a sweet miracle like you.

That Feeling

To me,

being kissed,

eating chocolate,

and having a good choir rehearsal

are all the same feeling.

Watery in General

I should be studying.

If only my mind would hold still.

Oh, well, I'll see my love tonight,

and hope that holding him will cause

the contents of my body to solidify.

I'm tired of being all washed up.

A Horribly Revealing Dream

Last night I had a dream in which I found a person who embodied a compilation of everyone who'd ever teased me, snickered at the things I believe in, or shoved me around.
I went up to this person, and started physically fighting him. I told him I would stop if only he'd apologize for terrorizing another human being to the point of wanting to kill herself.
He just laughed at my efforts.
I drew on my anger. I started scratching, pinching, biting, punching hard until my new engagement ring was leaving bruises in his bare skin. Finally, I made him apologize, and promise never to bully again.
I stopped, and felt a small satisfaction.
Then I saw a letter of recommendation written by a compilation of everyone I've ever admired.
It read, "Kaylie is the hope of this world, because no matter how dark it gets, she won't become her own form of control, but let the true light shine to every corner that needs it."
I'm trying to find a moment in which I've felt more shame.

This Love Potion Tastes Funny

One sip at a time,
I will take the bitter with the sweet,
for the love is worth the aftertaste,
and kisses will wash it away eventually.

If.

If happiness was gold,
you'd be making me rich.
If I could carry every burden you had,
I would march to Mordor and drop them into the volcano.
Im mele'eth le.
If you read this,
would you kiss me?